In the Throes of Desperation

My wife and I have had a lot going on lately. In fact, I probably should lyricize the last several months into a country song. We've both been plagued by illnesses, injuries, car troubles and other mishaps falling in the "Shit Happens" category.

There have been definite positives - she landed a fun show this summer, I had a great time at my 20th high school reunion. Of course, my grandad passed away the week before. Nice.

The big thing on my mind lately has been MONEY. I took a part time job delivering pizza with the express intent of earning some extra cash to apply towards debt reduction. Soon after I started I determined that saving up for a replacement for my 1992 Mitsubishi had to be a priority. The car has numerous issues including brakes and engine emissions. This December the registration expires and the state of Texas is refusing to renew it (since it hasn't passed state inspection since Feb. of 2007.)

I thought I had saved up a nice cash pot towards a car, but I added up my total pizza delivery savings last night and it amounts to $900 and some change. To make matters worse, we just had a $500+ car repair bill on my wife's auto this week, and one of our cats has been diagnosed with pancreatic disease to the tune of another $500. So, the piggy bank is going to be raided this week to cover the needs of the moment and the ailing automobile problem has no clear solution in sight.

I'm considering taking out a loan to get a car. Nothing fancy, just a solid, dependable used car under $10k. But the thought of that KILLS me. Our budget is already pretty tight. The week before each paycheck we are scrounging to find food to eat because we're out of cash until payday.

We've managed for the first time in a long time not to incur any more debt in over a year. That's huge. HUGE. We've had the standard array of "Shit Happen" but we've had savings that enabled us to cover it. We're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel - granted it's a damn long tunnel and the light is pretty dim, but it's there.

The thought of setting ourselves another $10,000 back in the tunnel is devastating to me. Working as a pizza delivery guy sucks. And it requires a car... which did I mention is on its last legs? I don't want to guarantee another 5 YEARS of having to deliver pizza by signing a note for a car. And yet I'm out of answers.

And maybe that's because that is right where God wants me to be. (Yeah, I said 'shit' and 'God' in the same blog post. Get over it.) Our past solution for problems has been credit and other obligations instead of turning to God. But you know what? Turning to God is a hell of a lot harder than getting into debt. I understand debt. I see the solution tangibly. I have no clue what God will do about this situation if I give it over to Him. And how does one do that, by the way - "give it over to Him?" And what if He does do something amazing? What if somebody gives us a car? What if we don't really like it? What if it's a Hummer that gets 5mpg and doesn't fit in my garage?

And that seems to get down to the core of what God wants to work on in my life: "Does God care about me?" Yeah - He does. I learned about that stuff in Sunday School as a boy. But I find that God is very different from me. He doesn't do things the way I want them done. His perspective is different from mine. DO I TRUST HIM? But what if...? No, I don't trust Him. I haven't really had to because I've been able to trust in credit instead... but it looks like that's changing. I'm going to have to start trusting Him.

Getting the Monkey off my back

So, in the Fall, I took a new job with a nice increase in salary in the hopes of finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel toward getting our butts out of debt. Less than a month later my house was struck by lightning.

Here we are today at the end of the 9 month process of rebuilding and moving back in and now I wonder where to begin.

I've been listening to Dave Ramsey and reading his book Total Money Makeover. I want to get out of debt, but I find that when it comes to making day to day decisions, I screw things up. I grab lunch with a friend which puts me over my spending limit in that budget category for the month. I guess what I'm seeing is that I want to be out of debt, but my actions are indicating that I'd rather stay in debt.

I'm considering taking on an additional job. My fear is that I'll just spend that money on other toys and not use it to reduce my debt load. With the move into the house, I've got a lot of wants. A new TV, an amplifier and speakers for surround sound, computer gear, game consoles... the list goes on. Not to mention a motorcycle and/or car.

I find that I am basically undisciplined. I want what I want and I want it as soon as I can figure out a way to get it. Shondra seems to be basically the same. Neither of us are good at planning out our spending.

When I used to complain about something I needed to do, but didn't want to do, my mom, in all her caring empathy, used to tell me, "Just shut up and do it." Guess it's time to take that advice.