In the Throes of Desperation

My wife and I have had a lot going on lately. In fact, I probably should lyricize the last several months into a country song. We've both been plagued by illnesses, injuries, car troubles and other mishaps falling in the "Shit Happens" category.

There have been definite positives - she landed a fun show this summer, I had a great time at my 20th high school reunion. Of course, my grandad passed away the week before. Nice.

The big thing on my mind lately has been MONEY. I took a part time job delivering pizza with the express intent of earning some extra cash to apply towards debt reduction. Soon after I started I determined that saving up for a replacement for my 1992 Mitsubishi had to be a priority. The car has numerous issues including brakes and engine emissions. This December the registration expires and the state of Texas is refusing to renew it (since it hasn't passed state inspection since Feb. of 2007.)

I thought I had saved up a nice cash pot towards a car, but I added up my total pizza delivery savings last night and it amounts to $900 and some change. To make matters worse, we just had a $500+ car repair bill on my wife's auto this week, and one of our cats has been diagnosed with pancreatic disease to the tune of another $500. So, the piggy bank is going to be raided this week to cover the needs of the moment and the ailing automobile problem has no clear solution in sight.

I'm considering taking out a loan to get a car. Nothing fancy, just a solid, dependable used car under $10k. But the thought of that KILLS me. Our budget is already pretty tight. The week before each paycheck we are scrounging to find food to eat because we're out of cash until payday.

We've managed for the first time in a long time not to incur any more debt in over a year. That's huge. HUGE. We've had the standard array of "Shit Happen" but we've had savings that enabled us to cover it. We're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel - granted it's a damn long tunnel and the light is pretty dim, but it's there.

The thought of setting ourselves another $10,000 back in the tunnel is devastating to me. Working as a pizza delivery guy sucks. And it requires a car... which did I mention is on its last legs? I don't want to guarantee another 5 YEARS of having to deliver pizza by signing a note for a car. And yet I'm out of answers.

And maybe that's because that is right where God wants me to be. (Yeah, I said 'shit' and 'God' in the same blog post. Get over it.) Our past solution for problems has been credit and other obligations instead of turning to God. But you know what? Turning to God is a hell of a lot harder than getting into debt. I understand debt. I see the solution tangibly. I have no clue what God will do about this situation if I give it over to Him. And how does one do that, by the way - "give it over to Him?" And what if He does do something amazing? What if somebody gives us a car? What if we don't really like it? What if it's a Hummer that gets 5mpg and doesn't fit in my garage?

And that seems to get down to the core of what God wants to work on in my life: "Does God care about me?" Yeah - He does. I learned about that stuff in Sunday School as a boy. But I find that God is very different from me. He doesn't do things the way I want them done. His perspective is different from mine. DO I TRUST HIM? But what if...? No, I don't trust Him. I haven't really had to because I've been able to trust in credit instead... but it looks like that's changing. I'm going to have to start trusting Him.

Just a quick post to lay out where I am today. Things are going well for us financially right now. With my added jobs delivering pizza, doing computer consulting, and working as a teaching assistant in the med center, we've got some good money rolling in. We got a bonus last month at work, we got our tax refund, and were able to pay our homeowner's insurance, close out a credit card, and kick some money back into our emergency fund.

It has felt good to be able to make a difference. I don't enjoy slinging pizza, and I'm looking to increase my consulting work to eventually replace it, but I have felt a lot more confident about myself. I find myself to be a person who can do what it takes to get it done. Three months ago, I wasn't so sure about that.

And I also have to remind myself that it isn't all up to me. God has given me endurance. God has been at work to bring hope. It's easy to put it all on my plate. We still have considerable debts to pay. We still have a long way to go. Paying off this first credit card was a milestone. Now that I'm seeing some light at the end of the tunnel it's a good time to remind myself that this has been a team effort so far and will continue to be a team effort going forward.

And on that blessed day when my creditors receive their last payment, what will I do then? I find myself day-dreaming about it. Selling our home and moving into town. Buying a motorcycle. Taking a vacation. I'm ashamed to find that most of my dreams are about spending all my money on me.

A friend of mine recently wrote on her blog about her daughter selling lemonade to raise money for a clean water charity. There are many charities around the world making a big difference in the lives of others. I've been putting off contributing to these causes (both financially and personally) because I'm focused on getting us financially free, and yet I know when we reach our goals, I'll have to make a concerted effort to get off my couch and shift my focus from myself.

This past Sunday our pastor spoke about life after death. Talk of heaven doesn't really do much for me. Praising God for all eternity may be great and all, but excuse my blasphemy here, it's not that appealing. That's not the end, though. The Bible teaches that our end is eventually a new earth. Whether it's a restoration of the current planet we live on, or Earth 2.0, I don't know, but THAT is appealing to me. I enjoy work. I look forward to working on that new Earth. I look forward to doing all the things I didn't have enough time for in this life. Going fishing. Playing cards with old friends until the wee hours of the morning...

And there is a lot to enjoy in this present life as well... and much of it doesn't involve money. The weather has been great lately, and I've taken time to enjoy it as I walk between buildings at work. I enjoy the camaraderie of my co-workers as we worry about the economy and our jobs.

Things are never perfect, but life IS good.

Mysterious Ways

It's been a while since I've really had a good talk with God. I've been busy, or I laze around in bed for too long, or, frankly, I just choose to ignore Him.

Yesterday my pastor spoke about God's desire for us to celebrate life. To celebrate Him. I've felt lately that I've been a failure to my Savior. My life isn't one that stands out or is full of the miraculous power of God. (Actually it is, I just don't want to look deep enough to see it).

Today on the bus ride in I listened to a sermon on Esther, and I was reminded that we all are called by God. We all have a mission in life. But we also have a "shadow mission," that more selfish use of our time and talents that we tend towards. Our true mission requires effort and self-sacrifice. It calls us to do that which is beyond us.

I've been on my shadow mission of late. Coasting through life. As I hopped the train to the med center, I switched my mp3 player over to a Joan Osborne album. God used it to speak to me - first through "Crazy Baby." Here's a smattering of the lyrics:

"Oh you're getting really hard to be with, and you're crying everytime you turn around, and you wonder why you cannot pick your head up, off the ground. Oh my crazy baby, try to hold on tight. Oh my crazy baby, don't put out the light."

It really spoke to me as I contemplated life without God, following my "shadow" mission. Just a selfish focus on myself and my small little world. It's a tiring way to live. It sucks the life out of you.

And then, my player kicked over to "Ladder" and God was clearly telling me directly "I'm gonna love you anyway, today and everyday, today and everyday" in the chorus. That's something He keeps reminding me. I can choose my path, and my path choice does nothing to affect how He does feel or will feel about me. His love for me never changes. And that is life changing.

The Little Stuff

Yesterday at church, my pastor talked about "Cursed Worship." In a nutshell, bringing our leftovers to God instead of our best. Disrespecting who God is because we'd rather love the world than Him.

Commuting in to work has been somewhat of a blessing. It forces me to slow down. I look around. I notice the sunrise. I notice the variety and diversity of the people on the train as I ride to the med center.

It's so easy to get caught up in needs and wants. Needing to pay the bills. Needing to save up for property taxes. Needing to clean the house. Wanting a new TV. Wanting to do some landscaping. Wanting more stuff for my bike.

It keeps my head down so I can't see all the beauty around me in my trouble. It lies to me and tells me how much better it will be when I finally do this or that.

The truth is all I have, all we have, is now. This moment. It is joy and sorrow, beauty and brokenness.